Little Demon
Being self-conscious may not seem like such a big deal.
To most people, it isn’t. For those of us who are, it can take up most of your everyday thoughts until you can’t concentrate.
Take a minute and imagine this: you are walking down a street with your family, a nice breeze is blowing, the sun is shining, children are laughing. All should be completely fine. However, nothing is for you; inside your head is PANICPANICPANIC. Does my hair look ok? God, why am I walking with my family, I should be with my friends! No one is talking to me, quick, act like you’re laughing and replying to something. Should you walk with your siblings or parents? I’m too tall, too pale, do my clothes look weird? Why am I breathing so hard walking uphill? Shut your mouth and breathe through your nose you look like a fish. Along comes a group of kids your age and you think as you pass them actnaturalactnaturalactnatural.
Every single day, every time I step outside I have these thoughts that scream, begging for attention like pesky flies. Why does it happen? Why do I even care? My parents have pointed this out to me many times. If I’m holding hands with someone, and another person comes on the other side, I have to let go. According to my inner psychotic voice, we can’t walk three in a row. Another must-not-do is walk from tallest to shortest, or in a line, or talk too loud, or too close together or ANYTHING. This little demon on my shoulder has been controlling how I feel around others in public and making it so much harder to do anything else. I could be dying inside if I’m not wearing the right thing or if I look funny walking. This had to stop.
Reassurances from my family did not help. They kept telling me as parents do that ‘oh, you look fine, stop worrying’ and ‘you’re beautiful just the way you are.’ For some reason, those words did absolutely nothing to the OCD-like person living in my head. One day, as we were watching the TV show Friends, which I’m sure at least some of you are familiar with, something happened. For those who do not know what Friends is, it’s a comedy show with 6 friends about their everyday lives. One of them is a runner like I am, and decides to go running. Her friend goes with her, and this friend is a little… interesting. She runs like she is 5, making Rachel (the runner) extremely self-conscious and not want to run with her anymore. One time, they meet while running separately, and Phoebe, the interesting one, brings up a point that sparked my little demon’s attention. It went something like this;
“And you don’t care if people are staring because they’re only there for a second and then you’re gone!”
The words I heard while watching a comedy show somehow did more than the ones my parents had said to me. I hadn’t needed reassurance, I had needed something else. Ever since then, my little demon is there, but quieter. I wore something out that I’ve never done before, I didn’t care what people thought of my messy running hair, and I walked with my mom even though she stops and stares at every plant in the universe. These people are just like me, only human, no one is perfect, and they don’t know anything about me. I’m never going to see any of them again, and if I did, what would they say? Hey you! I remember you! The girl who had really flyaway hair! So what? Because of this, I feel I have learned a valuable lesson.
My parents were right in saying that everyone is beautiful just the way they are, but it’s also important to realize that it’s ok to let people’s opinions slide off. Why would you let some stranger ruin your day when you could just breeze on by? Life is a lot easier without the weight of what everyone thinks is whispering on your shoulder. As someone who is a people-pleaser, this has done a great deal for me. I hope that for others out there who are self-conscious just as I am that this helps you realize that the only person who is making you feel any way is yourself. Run like a 5-year-old for all that the world could care.
Be yourself, and have a great day.
